thoughts of regret for a lily
by SpiritedWind
Summary: Petunia Dursley thinks over her past and her feelings for her younger sister Lily...and realizes what she thought she felt wasn't really what she felt. -One-shot-


**A/N:** **This idea just came to me while I was thinking about how the Dursleys treated Harry. Tell me what you think. Happy reading!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. :'(**

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><p><strong>thoughts of regret for a lily<strong>

Lily was beautiful. She was smart. She was talented. She was perfect.

I never hated Lily. As small children, I adored her. I loved the way she would look at me for guidance, for help. She would always come to me before going to anyone else. I was her role model.

And I enjoyed being her role model. I enjoyed being the older sister who was always there for her. She was cute and adorable as a child. So loveable. She was always willing to listen to me. She even had a nickname for me: Tuney.

I was almost like a second mother to her. I loved her, adored her, cared for her the way a mother does for her child. But beneath all that love and affection, there was something ugly. It started small. Like a seed. A seed that would grow into something big and real ugly.

Lily was smarter than me. She was prettier than me. She was more talkative than me. People loved her more than me, even our parents. Everyone was captured by Lily's charm. Even me.

Our parents absolutely loved Lily. She was cared for more than I was, given more than I was, and loved more than I was. Even I knew and realized it. Every time my parents did something for her that they didn't do for me, I felt a slight twinge of jealousy. But, of course, that would disappear as fast as it had come because I was soon under Lily's charm again.

I took care of her as we grew up but the older we grew, the less she needed my care, and the farther we grew apart. We still loved each other; it was just that she wasn't dependant on me anymore. And she had found friends of her own. Like that Severus kid. The older we grew, the more our parents showered her with gifts, their attention, and their love. She also started doing weird things. Things I couldn't do. The more distant we became, the more I pulled out of Lily's charm. And the more those seeds of jealousy started to grow. Those seeds became vines and thorns that wrapped around my heart and filled it with jealousy.

The day she got her Hogwarts letter, I guess that was when I just released all that jealousy. It wasn't fair that she was smarter, more talented, prettier, and more wanted than I was. After all, I was the oldest. Those vines and thorns just wrapped around my heart, suffocating all my love for Lily. Jealousy filled my heart and blinded me. All I could feel for Lily was jealousy.

Lily thought I hated her. I thought I hated her too. Lily tried to do everything she could to make me like her again. She sent letters to me every week, hoping that I would forgive her and stop hating her. A very small part of me insisted that I send a reply. But my jealous self demanded to see reality, to see that Lily was just a freak.

The next years went by quickly, mostly without Lily. When she was home, I ignored her, though I did remind her a few times that she was just a freak. After she graduated, I continued to ignore her, although every Christmas, I sent her a gift. I don't know why I did, but amongst my jealousy, I must have unconsciously realized that I still cared about her.

The day she died, I was heartbroken. I could realize this even through my jealousy. And when I was asked to take Harry in, I did without hesitation. Because he was Lily's son. He had her eyes.

That jealousy never died though, so when I took Harry in, I was jealous of him too. Of course he would have magic also. So over the years, I vented out my anger and jealousy at him. I thought I hated him too. I treated him badly, but I still took care of him.

It all came out when the wizards made us move. Harry was fighting a wizard; the one that killed Lily. I realized that all this time, I had never hated Lily. I was just jealous. But I still loved her like I did when we were small children. I felt that I owed her something. That I owed her for being so mean to her. I thought that taking Harry in just wasn't enough.

As the wizards made us leave, I slightly hesitated. I wanted to protect Harry, but I couldn't. I at least wanted to wish him luck or apologize. But I couldn't bring myself up to it.

After all these years, I regret what I had done to Lily. I loved her but I let jealousy overcome me. I wanted to make up to her for that. I wanted to apologize to Harry for that too. So when he came to visit us after the wizard war, I welcomed him with open arms.

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><p><strong>AN: I have noticed that so many people from different countries are reading this story of all my other stories the most, yet I get no reviews...**

**Please review! Whether it's good or bad, please review and tell me what you think! :) **


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